Entertainment

FUNNY PICTURES

STRANGE ANIMALS

COMEDIES

Naval Bloopers

Actual radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations, 10-10-95. Radio #1: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
Radio #2: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to South to avoid a collision.
#1: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
#2: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
#1: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER ENTERPRISE, WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE US NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW!
#2: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

Is Barney the Anti-Christ?

Given: Barney is a CUTE PURPLE DINOSAUR
Prove: Barney is satanic

The Romans had no letter 'U', and used 'V' instead for
    printing, meaning the Roman representation would for
    Barney would be: CVTE PVRPLE DINOSAVR

    CVTE PVRPLE DINOSAVR

    Extracting the Roman numerals, we have:
    CV    V  L  DI    V

    And their decimal equivalents are:
    100 5 5 50 500 1 5

    Adding those numbers produces: 666.

    666 is the number of the Beast.

Proved: BARNEY IS SATAN!

Jesus is Watching

Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was empty. He tip-toed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching you!"
Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. "Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again. The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot.
He asked the parrot: "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?"
"Yes", said the parrot.
The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, then he asked the parrot: "What's your name?"
"Clarence," said the bird.
"That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?"
The parrot says, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiller Jesus."

Monkey Joke!

So there's this fella with a parrot. And this parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy. One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever. Then the guy gets mad and says, "OK for you." and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of vulgarities that would make a veteran sailor blush.
At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer. For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets _very_ quiet. At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door.
The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on."
The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot. Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"

Alternate Barbie Names!

• Trailer Park Barbie
• Disgruntled Postal Employee Barbie
• Prison Matron Barbie
• Crop Circle Barbie
• Urban Assault Barbie
• Peg-Legged Barbie
• Lord of the Flies Barbie
• Angry Mattel Lawyer Barbie
• Not Shavin' My Pits Barbie
• Sumo Barbie
• Vengeful Figure Skater Barbie
• Will Work For Food Barbie
• Elephant Poacher Barbie
• Show-Us-Your-Plastic-Bumps Mardi Gras Barbie
• John Doe #2 Barbie
• Gastric Reflux Barbie
• Barbie's Chappaquiddick Playset
• Barbie's Jonestown Playset
• Ku Klux Ken
• Bad Seed Skipper
• Alcoholic Clown Ken
• Plumber's Crack Ken

You Might Be A Redneck Jedi If......

• Your Jedi robe is a Camouflage color.
• You have ever used your Light Saber to open a bottle of Boone's Farm Strawberry Hill
• You think the best use of your light saber is picking your teeth.
• At least one wing of your X-Wing is primer colored
• There is a blaster rack in the back of your landspeeder
• You have bantha horns on the front of your landspeeder
• You can find no grammatical errors in the way Yoda talks
• You think that Stormtroopers are just KKK members with really good sheets
• You have ever had an X-wing up on blocks in your yard.
• The worst part of spending time on Dagoba is the dadgum skeeters.
• Wookies are offended by your B.O.
• You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.
• Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over t' the dark side... it'll be a hoot."
• You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the bar-b-q grill to light..

Three Blondes

There are three blondes stranded on an island. Suddenly a fairy appears and offers to grant each one of them one wish.
The first blonde asks to be intelligent. Instantly, she is turned into a brown haired woman and she swims off the island.
The next one asks to be even more intelligent than the previous one, so instantly she is turned into a black haired woman.The black haired woman builds a boat and sails off the island.
The third blonde asks to become even more intelligent than the previous two. The fairy turns her into a man, and he walks across the bridge.

The Puzzle

A group of Hillbillies celebrated in a bar. "94 days!" they hooted, "94 days!!!"
They continued all through the night, slapping each other on the back and drinking everything in sight. "94 days!!!"
The bartender was pleased with the increase in sales but puzzled by the meaning of their yells.
"94 days!!!!" they slurred boastfully.
Finally, the bartender managed to pull one aside and asked, "This is quite a celebration."
"Sure is," the Hillbilly swayed, "we did it in 94 days."
"Did what?" the bartender probed.
"We put the puzzle together in 94 days." the Hillbilly beamed back.
"That must have been quite a challenge??"
"It sure was," the Hillbilly boasted, "on the end of the box it said 5 to 7 years."

I'm Tired

I'm tired. For a couple of years I've been blaming it on my iron-poor blood, lack of vitamins, poor diet, and a dozen other maladies. But now I think I've figured out the real reason: I'm tired because I'm overworked.
The population of the USA is 237 million.
104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school, which leave 48 million to do the work.
Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government. This leaves 19 million to do the work.
Four million are in the Armed Forces, which leave 15 million to do the work.
Take from that total the 14,800,000 people who work for the State and City government and that leaves 200,000 to do the work.
There 188,000 in hospitals, so that leaves 12,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 11,998 people in Prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work.
You and me.
And you're sitting there reading this.

The Happy Priest

A truck driver had a habit of, whenever he saw a lawyer on the side of the road, swerving to hit him. He got no greater pleasure out of life than the sound of the lawyer going *thump-thump* underneath his wheels. One day, he saw a happy, smiling priest standing on the side of the road. Being a good Samaritan (despite the whole laywer deal), he pulls over and says, "Father, do you need a lift?"
"Why, yes, thank you." The drole little priest climbs up into the cab, and the truck driver heads off. After a short while, he sees a lawyer on the side of the road, and out of habit swerves towards him. Suddenly, he remembers he has a priest, a holy man, next to him, and he frantically tries to avoid hitting the lawyer. *thump*
"Father, I, uh, I think I came close to hitting that lawyer back there." "Oh, don't worry," replied the priest. "I got him with the door."

The Eager Painter

An eager, but less than bright, young entrepreneur decides to go into the painting business. So he wanders into the rich part of town, paint brush in hand, and knocks at the door of a large house. "Good day, sir. I was wondering if you had any painting you need done."
The owner of the house, a rich man by any standard, looks speculatively at the painter. He perceives a vibrant entrepreneurial spirit, which reminds him of his own ambition in his younger days.
"Hmmm. Yes, I think my porch needs a coat or two of paint."
The eager young painter rushes off around the side of the house...
Several hours later, he returns to the front door, his clothes dripping paint, and knocks again.
"Sir, I've finished! But I have to tell you, that wasn't a porch, it was a Ferarri."

The Lone Ranger and Tonto

The Lone Ranger and Tonto are camping in the desert, set up their tent and are asleep. Some hours later, The Lone Ranger wakes his faithful friend.
"Tonto, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Tonto replies, "Me see millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?" ask The Lone Ranger.

Tonto ponders for a minute.

"Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What it tell you, Kemo Sabi?"

The Lone Ranger is silent for a moment, then speaks.

"Tonto, you Dumb Ass, someone has stolen our tent."

Apropos Scriptures

A new pastor moved into town and went out one Saturday to visit his parishioners. All went well until he came to one house. It was obvious that someone was home, but no one came to the door even after he had knocked several times. Finally, he took out his card, wrote on the back "Revelation 3:20" and stuck it in the door. The next day, as he was counting the offering he found his card in the collection plate. Below his message was a notation "Genesis 3:10. "Upon opening his Bible to the passage, his face turned red, and he let out a roar of laughter. Revelation 3:20 reads: "Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If any man hear my voice, and opens the door, I will come in to him, and will dine with him, and he with me." Genesis 3:10 reads: "And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked."

Beggars and Choosers

Two college students, Frank and Matt, are riding on a New York City subway when a beggar approaches them asking for spare change. Frank adamantly rejects the man in disgust. Matt, on the other hand, whips out his wallet, pulls out a couples of singles and gladly hands them over to the beggar with a smile. The beggar thanks him kindly and then continues on to the other passengers. Frank is outraged by his friend's act of generosity.
"What on earth did you do that for?" shouts Frank. "You know he's only going to use it on drugs or booze."
Matt replies, "And we weren't?"

Women who Read

Women who Read A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort up north. The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife liked to read. One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap. Although she wasn't familiar with the lake, the wife decided to take the boat. She rowed out a short distance, anchored, and returned to reading her book. Along came the sheriff in his boat. He pulled up alongside her and said, "Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?" "Reading my book," she replied...as she thought to herself, "isn't it obvious?" "You're in a restricted fishing area," he informed her. "But officer, I'm not fishing, Can't you see that?", she said. "Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to take you in and write you up." replied the sheriff. "If you do that, I'll have to charge you with rape," snapped the irate woman. "But I haven't even touched you." groused the sheriff. "Yes, that's true," she replied, "but you do have all the equipment. 
MORAL: Never argue with a woman who knows how to read. It's likely she can also think.

A Perfect Pun

Three brothers went out West to establish a cattle ranch, but couldn't think of an appropriate name for it. So they wrote to their father back East, and he replied, "Call it Focus, for that's where the sun's rays meet."

Don't get it? It's where the sons raise meat! Brilliant!

A Meta-Joke

Three scientists of different disciplines encounter a perfectly normal situation. The first two say something appropriate to their respective fields. The third one says something entirely useless and unexpected for the situation yet humerous and bizarrely appropriate for his occupation.

And one on nationalities...
Three people of different nationalities walk into a room. The first two say something witty and intelligent, while the third insults all of his countrymen by responding like an idiot.

Ideal Man

A rich lonely widow decided that she needed another man in her life so she placed an ad, which read something like this:

RICH WIDOW LOOKING FOR MAN TO SHARE LIFE AND FORTUNE ...NEEDS TO HAVE THESE QUALIFICATIONS:
1) WON'T BEAT ME UP
2) WON'T RUN AWAY
3) HAS TO BE GREAT IN BED

For several months, her phone rang off the hook, her doorbell was ringing constantly, she received tons of mail, etc., all to no avail: none seemed to match her qualifications.
Then one day the doorbell rang yet again. She opened the door to find a man with no arms and no legs lying on the welcome mat.
Perplexed, she asked, "Who are you? And what do you want?"
"Hi," he said, " your search is over, for I'm the man of your dreams. I've got no arms so I can't beat you up and no legs so I can't run away."
"Well, then," she said, "what makes you think that you're so great in bed?"
To which he replied,..... "Well, I rang the doorbell, didn't I?

Magic Apples

A young fellow ran into an old man who was carring a bag.
"What's in the bag?" the youngster asked.
"magic apples", the old man replied.
"Prove it", said the young man.
"Well, besides apples, what is your favorite two fruits?" asked the old man.
"Watermelon and peaches", he answered.
The man handed him an apple and told him to try it out. The boy took a bite and said that it tasted like a watermelon. "Ok, turn it over", he said.
The boy did and took another bite and said that it tasted like a peach.
The youngster still wasn't convinced that they were magic.
The old fellow told him to name something else that he liked to eat.
"I like to eat pussy." he snapped.
The man handed him another apple and told him to try it.
He took a big bite, spit it out, wipped his mouth and esclaimed, "That tasted like shit".
The old man looked at him, smiled and said, "Turn it over."

A Chinese Surgeon

Mrs. Jones and her son were vacationing in Montreal. The boy got sick and went to a hospital. In the corridor, they saw a young man in surgical scrubs kept tying and untying his shoe laces.

"Our senior surgeon said your son has appendicitis." a nurse told the mother.
"Are they going to operate?" asked the woman.
"Yes. Dr. Li is assigned to operate on your son." said the nurse pointing to the man in surgical scrubs.
"Are you Dr. Li?" asked the woman.
"Yes." answered the young man.
"You look so young. Are you a practicing surgeon?"
"Of course. Can’t you see I’ve been making surgical knots?"

A Chinese Student

A new Chinese student enrolled in a school in America.

The Chinese student sat in a wrong seat.

"Excuse me, you're seating at my seat.' said a student behind him. He ignored it. The teacher came in.

"Ma'am, the new student came over here at my seat!" The teacher came over.

"Oi, move over!" said the teacher, echoing the room. He stared blankly.

"Maybe he can't see well, same to the ears."

It's because his name was on the other seat.

Crap

Okay, so there were three guys who each got one wish for jumping over a poll. The first guy jumps over and wishes for one million dollars and he gets the million dollars. The second guy jumps over and wishes for a billion dollars and he gets a billion dollars. The last guy trips over and goes ohhhhhh crap and lands in a pile of crap.

Four guys joke

There once were four guys. One guy was brought up in a hospital and all he knew how to say was "I did it! I did it!"

Then there was a guy who was brought up in a restaurant and all he knew how to say was "forks and knives!"

Then there was a guy brought up in a candy shop and all he knew how to say was "goodie goodie gum drops!"

Then the fourth guy was brought up in a glade plug in store and all he knew how to say was "plug it in! plug it in!"

One day they all met in a park and there was this dead guy on a bench.

A cop walks up and says who did this and the first guy said "I did it! I did it!"

And the cop says how did you do this and the second guy said "forks and knives!"

The cop says what do you have to say for your selves and the third guy says "goodie goodie gum drops!"

Then the cop says you are all going in the electric chair any last words and the fourth guy says "plug it in! plug it in!"

Bear hunting

These two old boys asked to borrow my hunting camp up in the mountains. I didn't see no harm in it so I told them they could. About three hours later they came back and said their trip was over. I asked, "Did you y'all already get yourself a bear?" They said, "Naw, we got up about half up the mountain and saw a sign that said bear left, so we turned around and headed back to the house."

A Blonde ice-fishing

A couple of tourists decide to try ice-fishing in Minnesota.

They go out on the ice, and there is a blonde out there ahead of them with a pile of fish beside her. They say "hi" to her and she just smiles at them shyly. They chop a hole in the ice nearby, and try for over an hour, with no luck.

Finally one the tourist turns to the blonde and says: "How are you doing it? We can't even get a bite!" To which she replies: "Hoo aff due weap boo hurms oom!"

The guy doesn't get it and says to his buddy "What did she say? I know they talk funny up here, but I didn't understand a word!" His buddy says, "I don't know either! Ask her again"

"Can you repeat that, miss? I didn't understand." She replies "Hoo aff due weap boo hurms oom!" He says "Miss; I still can't understand. It sounds like you've got something in your mouth. Maybe you could talk really slow?" At that, the blond spits out a mouthful into her mitten and says, "You have too keep your worms warm!"

Home, a mans Castle

Home, A man's castle!...
Home isn't a man's castle; it's a woman's Doll house.
Girls grew up playing with doll houses and Barbies;
While Guys played with Lego, GIJoe and Hot Wheels.
And when we grow up we just keep on playing.
Guys like building things; they get their boy toys like the full size versions of their Hot Wheels cars.
And girls, they play Doll house with their new full size homes...
Barbie living in her Doll house.
Nuisance boys that could care less about girls playing Doll house,
Grow up to be thoughtless slobs
We don’t appreciate how she’s slaved to make this environment perfect
The frilly curtains bordering windows; towels hanging perfectly beside gleaming tubs, or rolled up in colourful baskets
This flawless staging is intended for presentation only
And us guys just don’t get it.
For instance, towels rolled up in cute baskets, conveniently placed by the tub are not there for drying off with.
It may look appropriately placed by the tub you’re getting out of all dripping wet, but...

Toyota Humor

Just drove my new Toyota from Dallas to Cleveland in 12 minutes...couldn't stop until I hit Philly...literally.
As a gesture of goodwill, Elizabeth Edwards just bought her husband a new Camry...
In his testimony before Congress Toyota's CEO, Akio Toyoda, went on and on and couldn't stop...hey, there's a surpise!
Toyoda did say, that as a rebuke of his company's recent blunders, he would be changing his name...and was leaning toward "Larry Finkelstein."
After several Toyotas parked at dealerhips popped into "Drive" and took off on their own, Toyota Marketing Mavens back at the home office came up with a novel slogan; "The New Toyotas: So hot, we can't keep'em on our lots!"
 

Arnold-chicken Legs-enegger

Bodybuilders who refuse to give as much attention to the lower part of their bodies as their top half are called chicken legs.
• Their upper bodies are so big making them completely out of proportion and you could fit both legs into a Mac Donald’s straw.
• They are also called bottle stoppers, wine usually.
• Or lollipops, genetic errors, Scrawny legs, my favourite.: circus freaks.
• They suffer from bad knees due to the excessive weight that their legs have to lug around and naturally, this prevents them from training their legs, great excuse.
• Kit bag is also another name for them, because they look like they are carrying army gear around, as though they really move much, yeah whatever!
• They tend to walk around spreading their arms as wide as possible and this makes them feel like they are bigger than they actually are, distracting your eyes from looking down at their knobbly knees.
• They live off Nourishment and Nutriment drinks and tend to have a bad diet, its difficult getting up and away from the table!
• Their women hate to be seen in public with them as they resemble half man half beast!
• Their idea of a squat is when they are taking a dump.
• Their legs eventually bend inwards from the strain and they soon become physio food.
• They struggle to get up onto the top level of the bus, squeezing up the stair cased tube.
• Buttocks become flat and square because they are usually found to be sitting down snacking.
• Quads is not a muscle group rather a number of reps, three!
• Hamstrings is interpreted as meat on a violin, makes sense.
• Calves are baby animals of some sort, their not quiet sure what.
• Broaden their horizons means to train lats even more.
• Sex is best lying down on their backs otherwise their partner could end up with a face full of upper chest, steroid shrunk seeds and a pidgeon giggle stick is bad enough; poor cow!

Where do I call home?

My story is one of searching for a place to belong, and finally discovering it with God.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I was born in 1939 in Russia. I don’t remember my father at all because he was sent to Siberia when I was 2 years old. All I have of him is the wedding photo taken the day my parents were married.
Long after, we learned that he had died of starvation. He was another victim of the war. Russia was trying to empty itself of all men of German descent. They thought that if Germany invaded Russia, these men would join with the Germans.

On the run

My first real memories begin when I was 4. They are memories of running. The German army had come to Russia. My family and I, including my mother and aunt, fled in horse drawn carts. My mom, her aunt and I got through, but the rest of my family were stopped and sent back to Russia. We finally ended up in Germany. It was 1943.
My mother worked as a translator for the Russian army. We lived in constant fear of being sent back to Russia. A German woman helped my mother and I leave that area to get into the American zone of Germany, a broken country divided at that time into different districts run by different countries. We fled again, this time using a wheelbarrow. Really! They bundled me in, covered me with wood, and pretended that they were gathering sticks.

The refugee years

We ended up in an American-run refugee camp. There my mother fell ill and began a battle with tuberculosis that would never really end.
We were in that refugee camp for five years. We were just thankful to have regular meals. All this time we were trying to get into Canada, but with no success. Then the door opened to South America so we were off to Uruguay. It was 1951. I was 12.
My mother taught in refugee camps and cooked and I cleaned other people’s houses. I finally had the chance to do formal schooling and went to high school where I re-dedicated my life to the Lord. I had heard about Jesus Christ when I was nine, but I had slipped away. This was one of the times in my life when I turned back to Him. There would be more.
Mother continued to be in and out of hospital. By the time I was 17, my mother died.
I was alone in the world.
A kind missionary couple from Canada wanted to adopt me and bring me to Canada but that didn’t work out. I continued to work, cooking and baking for a Jewish woman. I told her that I didn’t know how to do anything, but I said to her: “If you have a cookbook, I will learn.” To this day, I still love to cook and bake.

Love at last

I met the man who would become my husband, Hans, when I was 18. We married a year later and moved to Paraguay where we began our family; we had our three daughters there.
In 1971 our youngest son was born—in Canada. I had finally made it. We came to Canada because my husband had malaria and the doctors said only a complete change of climate would help him. He had brothers here, so that is what we did.
We liked Canada right away. But it was hard to get used to the new customs and new language. It took a while. But we settled in Vancouver. I worked as a cook; after all those years the lessons from the woman in Uraguay still helped.